Jokes

When Obama campaigned for Change he didn’t tell us it would be spare change

Why did Obama cross the road? To help the other side.

How can President Obama get the rich to pay their taxes? By nominating them to the Cabinet.   

  Q: What do Obama and Tiger Woods have in common?  A: They’re both trying to screw everybody

Why won’t Sarah Palin’s favorite book be made into a movie? Sarah wants Waldo to play himself and she can’t find him.

Why was Obama so angry about the AIG bonuses? Apparently AIG executives got a bigger bonus than he did.

Why did Obama run as a Democrat? Apparently John McCain already had the Republican endorsement.

Barack Obama said today that politics had become too dominated by money. He would have said more but he had to leave to get to a fundraiser.

 

 

“The Battle Hymn of the Republican”

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the war
It brings more military contracts and the drafting of the poor
It lets us build our pipelines so the profits are much more
The truth is trampled on

Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
The truth is trampled on.

The prisoners that we’ve tortured and whose rights we snatch away
Are just trivial details when there’s oil on the way
And let everyone go and buy an S-U-V today
The truth is trampled on

Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
The truth is trampled on.

We will lie and we will cheat and we will generally deceive
Tales of W-M-D and propaganda we will weave
We will hold Iraqi oil fields and never ever leave
The truth is trampled on

Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
The truth is trampled on.

Environment and education matter not at all
If asked some questions without answers we can always stall
‘Cause we spin the news releases and the people are in thrall
The truth is trampled on

Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
The truth is trampled on.

The old, the poor, the blacks and women we can still control
Give ‘em something with the left hand while the right hand takes the toll
Don’t stop now and don’t look back because we’re really on a roll
The truth is trampled on

Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
The truth is trampled on.

And now that it’s election time we’ve got some work to do
John Kerry must be seen to be a liar through and through
And never can the people see just how they have been screwed
The truth is trampled on

Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
Glory! Glory! Halliburton!
The truth is trampled on.

* * *

The zoo-keeper was astounded to find the zoo’s orangutang sitting quietly perusing a copy of the Bible and a copy of Darwin’s Origin of the Species.

“What are you doing?”, the zookeeper exclaimed.

The animal replied, “I’m trying to figure out as to whether I am my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

*****

The theory of evolution is greatly objected to because it makes men think

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Q: Say, what would you have if you took all of Congress, the Cabinet, the White House advisers, and all Federal judges and loaded them on an Ocean Liner, sailed it to the middle of the Atlantic, and sunk it?

A: A good start!

*****

Will Rogers averred that there was no truly criminal class in America except for Congress, of course

*****

Q: How many Libertarian economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they’re waiting for the Invisible Hand to do it.

*****

Democratic & Republican congressmen were arguing over the best way of getting the country out of the Depression. The Democrat said that he proposed an appropriation of $ 100 BILLION to be put into programs to hire the unemployed, fund daycare centers for working families, and build housing for the homeless. No, no, no, shouted the Republican, that’s not the way to do it. Instead Congress should give the very rich a $ 100 BILLION tax cut.

How would that help working people, the Democrat asked. Simply, the Republican answered, once the Rich got the money, they would trickle it down on those under them.

The Democrat thought and then said, well I have the same basic idea but this time let’s have the regular folks piss up.

*****

Bushisms

We don’t believe in planners or deciders making the decisions for other Americans

If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of lot easier, just as long as I’m the dictator

I think we can agree, the past is over

This foreign policy stuff is frustrating

One of the great things about books is that there is sometimes fantastic pictures in them

I just want you to know that when we’re talking war, we’re really talking peace

I am proud to shake the hand of an Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein

I firmly believe that the death tax is good for people in many walks of life

The truth of the matter is, that if Saddam Hussein were President of the United States, he’d still be in power and the whole world would be better off

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country, and neither do we

Rarely is the question asked, Is our children learning?

They misunderestimate me

*****

Sarah Palin on sharing the wealth:

“And Alaska — we’re set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs. … It’s to maximize benefits for Alaskans, not an individual company, not some multinational somewhere, but for Alaskans.”     Now was Sarah Palin running on the Socialist Party ticket?

*****

Understanding Economics with Cows

CHRISTIANITY:

You have two cows and give one to your neighbor.

SOCIALISM:

You have two cows and the government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM:

You have two cows and the government takes both and makes you work for the milk

NAZISM

You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:

Your neighbor has two cows, hires a migrant to milk one at less than minimum wage, sells the milk to you at twice-the-price and then sells the other cow to China

SUPER-RICH CAPITALISM

Your neighbor has two cows, you have none, so what?

BIG BANK CAPITALISM

The Banks has two cows, it lets one die of malnutrition, borrows two more from the Government, sells six, using the invoice of sale to serve as collateral to buy eight more, gets the Government to forgive its original loan of two, trades two for a slot machine, makes a fortune which it gives away as bonuses to its executives then sells you the dead cow and charges you twice.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM

You have two cows, you redesign them until they’re one/tenth the size and yet produce twenty-times the milk.

GERMAN CAPITALISM

You have two cows, re-engineer them and now they milk themselves.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM

You have two cows but you count three, you count again and count five cows, and again to find seven cows. Confused, you sit down and open another bottle of vodka.

INDIAN CAPITALISM

You have two cows and worship both of them

CHINESE CAPITALISM

You have two cows and twenty slaves to milk them. You claim full productivity and full employment

SOUTHERN GOOD-OL’ BOY CAPITALISM

You have two cows and think that one of them is kinda cute

COOPERATIVE COMMONWEALTH

You have a cow and your neighbor has a cow, you form a co-op, sell one cow, buy a bull, and build prosperity for everyone.

*****